I want to be Kevin Costner

But only in Waterworld

What a fantastic movie. Mad Max on the ocean. A floating Thunderdome. Waterworld was a salty dystopian adventure with wild trimaran action, live human fish bait, deranged survivalists, and distant hope for the future. It had one of the best villains with grimy one-eyed smoker Dennis Hopper, and the most stoic of heroes in Kevin Costner, known only as ‘The Mariner.’

Set in a not-so distant future when the icecaps have melted, and the oceans have claimed the planet. Dry land is just a mythical rumour old sea dogs whisper about in hushed tones. Survivors float about like human detritus on cobbled together metal atolls eating seaweed. The bad guys seem to have an unending supply of jet skis and cigarettes, and everyone is filthy despite all the water. When it was released in 1995, I think I was the only one that actually liked Waterworld.

Washington post - Road Warrior Goes Snorkelling.

Rotten Tomatoes - Costner's antihero is so fundamentally dislikable and deadly dull.

Collider - It’s a dull slog with a repellent lead actor, crafted entirely around his considerable ego.

Lenoard Maltin - A muddled script and main characters with no appeal whatsoever.

Kevin is a hardworking Hollywood heart throb and in his most successful movies he usually plays a quietly boring misunderstood hero. Baseball, cowboys, politics, gangsters and lots of PG romance. Mostly classic Americana. A quick look at his extensive filmography does not really excite and it’s a travesty that Waterworld appears so far down the list at 32. Prince of Thieves is at 22 FFS.

At the time of Waterworld’s release, Kevin had become ensnarled in a messy private divorce from his wife and an even messier public one from Waterworld director, Kevin Reynolds. Reynolds walked off the film set saying “In the future, Costner should only appear in pictures he directs himself. That way, he can always be working with his favourite actor and his favourite director.” Costner, who had a Best Directing Oscar under his belt thanks to Dances with Wolves, took control of the acting, production and direction and turned Waterworld into the biggest, bloatedest most expensivist, blue whale of a movie ever.

At the time the critics were probably right to roast this giant vanity project, and no-one was thinking Waterworld could actually happen in real life. Back in 1995 nobody had heard of a climate crisis. The popular term was global warming which denialists turned into a bad joke every time there was a cold, wet summer and everyone laughed at the Green Party with their fart tax. But over time, Waterworld has become a not entirely inaccurate, prophetic prediction of what is in store for us. A dystopian survivalist future that is getting closer with every puff of car exhaust. Personally, I can’t wait. I reckon I would do ok living on the water, a nice houseboat with some cool steampunk gadgets and lots of sashimi. I would look great with gills and dolphins are sexy.

In Waterworld, Kevin shows off his tanned torso, wispy brown hair and tight fishpants. He gets around on his wind powered trimaran, catching fish, and drinking his own wazz. He navigates by the stars, and he’s not really interested in finding any dry land. The ocean is his home, and he has adapted to his environment unlike Dennis Hopper and his band of filthy smokers who rely on jet skis and speed boats fuelled by dirty old petrol pilfered from giant tankers that are conveniently floating around abandoned, but apparently full of fuel and cigarettes. A dangerous combination which eventually leads to Dennis’ downfall. Hopper cops a fair bit of criticism himself for being too much of a cartoonish villain. But his ruined face and demented drawl is reminiscent of some of his finest Blue Velvet moments.

Waterworld may become reality in the not too distant future but it probably won’t be that much fun. Melting icecaps, ocean acidification, rising sea levels, extreme temperature fluctuations fuelling massive storms will make the Earth a difficult place to survive. Those that can afford it will probably have escaped our planet by then but for the rest of us stuck here it will be adapt or die.

Part of me wants it to happen. Humans have been nothing but trouble for the planet Earth, in the short time since the industrial revolution we have really messed things up and proven that we don’t really deserve such a beautiful planet. But even though things are heating up quickly it is still too slow for my liking. I would like it all to end with a spectacular, gigantic, apocalyptic tidal wave of destruction like so many disaster movies. But I would also like to watch it happen which may not be possible if I am running for my life or too busy drinking my own wazz on a raft. I would much prefer beholding the end times from somewhere safe like an orbiting space station, although a confined area with assholes like Elon and Jeff for company might be significantly worse than dying painfully in climate Armageddon.

I know this is unrealistic but it's convenient to have such a nihilistic attitude because it means you can be lazy and not do anything about it. Content in my smug pessimism and convinced by my insatiable doomscrolling that the world will be better off without us all. It is hard not to be negative with daily doomsday headlines, but there is a slim chance that us pesky humans might find a way to survive. Our giant brains will find a solution. Future technologies, plastic eating bacteria, nanobots, geo-engineering, there is a list of innovative solutions if we could just get those greedy billionaires to stop their earth-eating capitalist carbon crimes and invest in something good, or just build a trustworthy AI that will do it all for us.

But if things carry on like they are then we might have to dust off the old Waterworld DVD and give it a good watch. Almost thirty years after its release, Waterworld is another case of science fiction becoming science fact. It should be studied and taught in schools because we have to prepare for the worst. The sooner we can all start growing gills the better.